My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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