"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
