I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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