they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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