And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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