I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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