Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
