We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
