My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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