so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
