youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
