By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
