Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
They took my balls.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
