Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
