The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
