Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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