Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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