Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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