If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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