having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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