Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
