Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Everyone says I win the strip club
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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