I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
