Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
