My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
