That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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