Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
