Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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