I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
