When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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