I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if only i could text you this smell
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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