I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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