The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize