I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
