if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
