I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
