i just wanna soil my oats bro
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize