God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
