Just cropdusted the office
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
