Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
