if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize