it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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