There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
