does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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