I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
