i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
