he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
