i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
