please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
