Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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