Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
