I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
