I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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